First Trimester: 0 - 11 weeks

I am currently 11 weeks pregnant with my second child. My first, Joshua, is now a lively 2 year-old who is just starting the terrible twos to full effect.

I was surprised at my mixed feelings when I found out I was pregnant. This pregnancy was planned, as was Joshua. However, I thought that the fears of a pregnancy and the impact on me would be much less than with the first. After all, having one child has already had a huge impact on my lifestyle. Moreover, I can now see all the positive sides of having children, which were unknown during the first pregnancy.

There are three particular aspects of being pregnant that I feel will be a challenge which I will be focusing on in this diary.

The first is my relationship with my son Joshua.

What effect would my pregnancy have on my relationship with him? What about the impact of a brother or sister, especially a newborn with all their demands? I think I have already noticed a small impact on my relationship with Joshua, even this early in pregnancy. I am much more reticent about picking him up, and those rough and tumble games we used to play, he can now only play with his Daddy. Joshua still comes to me for lots of hugs, and quiet games like reading and puzzles, but at the same time he seems a little clingy. He doesn't understand when he wants me to pick him up and I don't feel that I want to, and many a tantrum has ensued. My husband says he hasn't noticed any change, and that I am imagining things, but I am not so sure.

I am hoping that Joshua's ability to express himself will improve to the point at which we can discuss why things have changed, even at a basic level (we have told him about the 'baby' in Mummy's tummy, but I am sure that he has not really understood, especially as he will then point to my arm and say 'baby'!). In the meantime, I am spending a lot of time doing the things with him that I can do, such as looking at books, playing with his garage and doing puzzles. I am always there if he has hurt himself, or wants a cuddle. I am not going to spoil him, but also make sure that I make up for the fun boisterous games that any two year old loves, and that we can no longer play together.

My second challenge is to keep my body shape as much as is possible.

After having Joshua I was very overweight. I have always been overweight, but reached new heights after 6 months of maternity leave. Whoever said that breast-feeding burnt off calories didn't figure in snacking! I have spent the best part of the last year losing weight, and for the first time in my life I am a 'normal' weight. Then I get pregnant. This was not a secret 'security blanket' desire to be fat again, as has been suggested to me - I always wanted a gap of 2-3 years between my children. Mind you, it is a big shock as I was just enjoying being slim and buying clothes in trendier shops and now I am into looking for maternity clothes, which at the best of times aren't flattering! I had also just fixed some other legacies from my first pregnancy, such as backache, and poor muscle strength in my trunk.

The first change in my body that I noticed was an increase in breast size. This is a good thing as I wasn't particularly large before, and I am enjoying the slight enhancement (aches aside). However, I am already starting to lose my waistline and I look fuller in the tummy area. I am determined not to put on too much weight this pregnancy, and to do some exercise, unlike last time. After all being fat is known territory to me, and all the more frightening for it.

My final concern is my career.

After having Joshua, I went back to the same job but four days a week. This has worked out well, and as far as I can tell has not affected my career in any way. I have moved company since returning to work, to a more senior position, so feel that everything was going well. Having said that, my priorities have changed drastically, and am now unable and unwilling to work late, or at home, unless absolutely necessary. However, I think with two children, this will compound the issues around working - twice as many child sick days, two children to organize in the morning, and I will be a lot less flexible as there are a lot less people willing to baby-sit two children on the odd occasion when I do have to work late, and my husband is also not available. Also the cost of two children in childcare may be prohibitive, and essentially may mean that I can't return to work.

I told my boss at work when I was 9 weeks pregnant. I work for a very small company, of only ten people, so wanted to tell him as soon as I felt ready (last time I waited until 14 weeks, when risks of miscarriage had subsided). I have been very tired during this first trimester and was starting to make mistakes at work. I was also unable to cope with minor problems, and often felt like rushing off to the toilets in tears, which is very unlike me. Fortunately one of the other girls in the office is also pregnant, so I have had someone to talk to and to sympathise! However, telling the boss felt like a huge weight had been taken off me. It was not an excuse for doing a bad job, which I hope I am not, but at least a reason for why I had seemed a little emotional and tired.

Currently, I feel I have my challenges under control and am happy with the way things are going. Next week I am booking in with the midwife and am having a 12-week scan and can't wait to see the baby. I am also looking forward to the end to the incessant nausea, and fingers crossed that it will be gone by 12 weeks, as many books seem to promise!

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