Jo is pregnant with her second child, due on August 6th 2003. Her first daughter, Emily, is 8 months old. We'll be updating Jo's diary each month as her pregnancy progresses.

First Trimester: Dec 11th 2002 - Feb 3rd 2003

December 11th:
Just over a week ago, I discovered I was pregnant again. My old friend, morning sickness, had visited me for several days running and, having put it off for as long as I could, finally did a pregnancy test with some encouragement from my husband Matthew.

Why did I put off taking a test? Well, I was in denial. We have a six-month old daughter, Emily, and I was just convinced that there was no way on earth that I could be pregnant again. Apart from anything, I had thought I couldn't have children following a nasty accident when I was eighteen, so Emily was a one-off, meant-to-be miracle as far as we were concerned. Getting your head around one miracle is easy - two is much harder. I don't even know how many weeks pregnant I am - possibly five or six weeks, we think. I haven't had a period since giving birth to Emily, and was breastfeeding until one month ago, so I naively thought there was no chance on earth I could get pregnant. Next time, I'll have truly learnt my lesson!

Part of me is over the moon at being pregnant again - a brother or sister for Emily, a bigger family than we'd hoped for. Another part of me, though, is wondering how on earth I'm going to cope with two children under 15 months. I don't even know if I can cope, and the temptation to curl up in a corner and pretend this isn't happening is a pretty strong one.

I'm sure some people will be thinking how lucky I am to be given the gift of another child, and how can I think such a thing? I want this baby, truly I do, it's just the unexpected shock and the timing has sent me into a spin. I already know that I'd be devastated if I lost this baby - I had dreadful stomach cramps yesterday, and was terrified I was going to miscarry, so I know that I do want this new life. I'm just very confused at the moment and my emotions are all over the place. Hormones!

Anyway, I'm off to see my doctor for an official pregnancy test next Wednesday, and I know that once it's been confirmed it will be easier to deal with my emotions, because then it will become more real to me.

December 17th:
I just have to add a note in my diary about Snickers bars, because I had a good cry this morning over once again losing the rights to eat my beloved chocolate bars. My elder brother sent me a Christmas card reminding me that I will be unable to eat Snickers bars for a long time, and I just started to cry. It's not such a big deal, it's just that last Christmas I couldn't eat the Snickers from the selection box my mum got me (it's a family tradition), and I had to go without. It was only when I stopped breastfeeding Emily at 5 months that I could eat them again, and now I find I have to stop again. It's not as if I eat a lot of them, it just seems so weird to be in the same situation exactly one year later. I suppose the crying was down to reality starting to hit home - I am pregnant again, and everything is changing once more, ready or not.

December 18th:
Went to see my doctor today - fortunately, she is a great person and talked me through everything, and she made me feel much better about everything. As she pointed out, at least the children will be grow up close together, and my workload won't seem as much as it would be with a longer gap (here's hoping!). Anyway, I have to drop a urine sample in tomorrow morning for testing, and I have an appointment to go back for the results on Christmas Eve.

December 23rd:
What a weekend! Matthew's sister, Sara, who is 6 months pregnant and also has a two-year old son, was taken into hospital because she was bleeding. A scan confirmed that her placenta was partially lying over her cervix, and it looked as if she was going to have to stay in hospital until the baby is born. Fortunately, as it's not lying completely across the cervix, she was allowed out today, although she has to have regular scans, and has had steroid injections to help the baby's lungs, etc, develop in case they have to deliver him/her early. Sara has been really upbeat about it, and says that at least now she has official confirmation from the doctor that she mustn't do any housework, lifting, etc, until after the baby is born. I really admire her for being so positive - I think I'd be beside myself if I were in her position. So, I'm determined to do what I can to help her out. She's always been a huge support and great friend to me, and I don't know what I'd do without her sometimes.

December 24th:
Have just come back from the doctors with official confirmation that I am pregnant! I feel much happier about it now - I guess I am adjusting to it all in my mind. I was reading a short story in a magazine yesterday in which one woman asked another if she ever regretted having children. Her answer was 'Frequently, but never.' That sums my feelings up right now, and although it was only a story, I felt as if someone else understood what I was going through. I'm sure there are hundreds of women out there who feel exactly the same, and things feel easier for the realisation.

On a different note, both Emily and I are poorly at the moment. Matt brought some virus back from London with him last week, and as usual recovered from it within days. Emily now has a chesty cough and very runny nose, although she is still her usual sunny self most of the time. Fortunately, the doctor has prescribed her some medicine, so I'm hoping that will kick in soon, because her cough sounds terrible. I, on the other hand, can only take paracetemol. Someone should invent some medication that pregnant and breastfeeding mums can take - they'd make a fortune!

December 26th:
We had a great Christmas, although Emily's eyes and nose were streaming with cold - all of the photos show a little girl with very pink eyes and cheeks, but she still managed to smile for most of the day. Christmas lunch was at Matt's mum's house, and we got there just as it was being served - now that's what I call timing! I hardly managed to eat any of my lunch - it takes me about an hour to eat a meal at the moment. Emily, on the other hand, scoffed so much I could hardly believe it! She ate three mini yorkshire puddings, plus some veggies. Matt's mum's dog, Jack, cleared the debris - he just sat by the highchair and caught it on the way down.

Matt and I have been arguing a lot over the last couple of weeks - he says I'm being vile all of the time and have been making snide remarks. It started when he pointed out to me that I can't be tired yet, as the baby hasn't arrived. This, of course, really got me going - out came all of the 'you can't understand, you're a man' comments, and I've been feeling grumpy ever since. I know that, from his point of view, none of this is actually real until the new baby is born, but for me it's very real already. Nausea, tiredness, being sick, etc, are kind of hard to ignore. We had the same issue when I was pregnant with Emily, so I should have expected it this time. Men!

The baby already has a nickname - A.D. This is because Em's nickname was B.C. (short for Baby Cartman). The reason she got this name is because of Cartman from 'South Park'. I kept telling everyone I wasn't fat, just pregnant, and Cartman's catchphrase is 'I'm not fat, I'm big-boned', so I became Cartman and Emily became B.C. We haven't actually thought of anything for the initials A.D. to stand for yet, so if anyone has a suggestion, please let me know!

January 3rd:
I have had a great week - my mum came to stay last Friday (Matt's birthday), and went home on New Year's day, so I've been really well looked after. I even managed to have a little shop in the sales, although I didn't buy anything exciting, only towels. Mum also looked after Emily for a day, so Matt took me to see The Two Towers, which was absolutely brilliant. I'm a big fan of Orlando Bloom, who plays Legolas, so I would have been happy with just that, but I also had a big tub of sweet popcorn and some orange juice, and managed not to go to the loo or be sick for the entire length of the film. Plus, afterwards we went to Burger King - I love their fries, and haven't had any for months, so I was very happy indeed. Overall, a fantastic week, even including the dreaded morning sickness.

January 8th:
Well, not such a great week so far. My morning sickness is just getting worse, and am being sick at least five times a day, so my stomach feels very tight and tender, and I am suffering with headaches as a result. The other day I'd just got Emily out of the bath and had to lean over the bathroom sink to be sick, with Em tucked under one arm! If it doesn't improve soon, I'm going to have to go to the doctors. Poor old Matthew - he spends half of his time at home rubbing my back and fetching me glasses of water! I'm just not one of those people who blooms during pregnancy. On the plus side, I've got my dating scan on Monday, so at least we'll know exactly how far into the pregnancy I am.

January 13th:
Had my dating scan this afternoon, and I am 10 ½ weeks pregnant! Poor old Matthew came with me, but as the parking was so bad (space for about 30 cars for a department that does ultrasound, x-rays and has a patient ward), he ended up driving round and round with Emily while I went in on my own. Still, next time hopefully they'll scan me at the ante-natal clinic, which has better parking facilities. Otherwise, we'll have to get there extra early.

Seeing the baby on screen made everything very real - so tiny, and yet with a steady heartbeat flickering away. So, a baby due on 6th August - earlier if they decide to give me a caesarean.

I had to have an emergency caesarean with Emily after a long and painful labour, during which I had every pain relief option going. I had intended to have a natural birth, with no pain relief, but after 24 hours gave up on that idea and took what I could get! The midwife was worried at one point when, having sucked a lot of Entonox, I started talking about crack cocaine! This was because I'd recently watched a Father Ted episode with a reference to that in it, and I thought it was hysterically funny. I was in labour 52 hours in total, and I progressed very slowly. Eventually, after pushing for an hour with no result, a specialist came in to take a look at me, as both Emily and I were getting distressed. He promptly said that there was no way she was going to fit through my pelvis, and ordered an emergency caesarean. So, they topped up my epidural and off we went. Emily was born a healthy 8lb 13½oz, and as I'm only 5ft, it's no wonder she couldn't get out the normal way. She'll be bigger than me before I know it!

I am worried about having to have another caesarean, although at least this time I'd know exactly what was happening and when. My midwife said that they'll monitor the baby's size throughout the pregnancy so that we can decide in advance what to do. She has warned me about second babies being bigger than the first as a general rule, but we'll wait and see. I would like to give birth naturally if possible this time, but if so I'm definitely going to take gas and air at the least. In fact, they should give you a small canister of it to take home in your new mum's Bounty pack to get you through the first few days of having a new baby!

January 16th:
Emily crawled properly for the first time today! She's spent the last couple of months rolling everywhere, so seeing her actually crawl is fantastic. She had been sat playing with her toys on the floor whilst I was curled up on the sofa reading a magazine when Willow, one of our four cats, came into the living room and sat about six feet away from Emily. Before I knew it, Emily had crawled over to her and grabbed a big handful of fur! Fortunately, Willow is a big softie and just let her do it without flinching. I was so excited, I picked Emily up and put her back down where she had been sitting to see if she'd do it again, and she did. Couldn't wait to show Matt when he got home - talk about proud parents!

January 20th:
Have had a busy week - Emily and I have been swimming, taken a few walks, played with her cousins, spent time with Matt's family and generally been on the go as much as possible. If I am on the move, I feel much better, but if I stop and sit down my energy levels plummet and I find it hard to get going again. I am still being very sick, although I feel it's eased off a little these past few days.

Emily has decided that just crawling is a little boring, and is pulling herself up on anything and everything. She can even stand on her own for about five seconds before tumbling backwards, but so far I've managed to catch her every time, so no tears yet. She's so funny to watch when she crawls towards you to be picked up - she's so fast now, and has a big grin on her face when she reaches out for your hands so that she can pull herself upright. She'll be walking around like a pro by the time the new baby arrives, and I'm suddenly struck by how quickly she's growing up. I almost wish she was still small and helpless but, as Matt pointed out, we'll have that again soon enough and it's not as easy and rosy as I remember it. Mother Nature is very clever by making the bad bits seem somehow forgettable after you've been through them!

We're off to get Emily's hair cut on Wednesday, as it's getting in her eyes now. We'll go to Sara's for that, as she has a friend who is a hairdresser. That way, the children can all play together in between cuts, and we can have a good old chinwag. I'm also going to make a casserole for Sara whilst I'm there, as she doesn't like cooking at the best of times and it's a little something that I can do to help.

January 24th:
Well, as usual things didn't go to plan. Got home Wednesday morning after doing the food shopping, and found a message on the answer phone saying that Sara had been taken into hospital again. Fortunately, she was let out again today, but they can't explain why she is bleeding. It must be so frightening, and it's certainly made me grateful that I'm not experiencing anything like that. The only problem I've got at the moment is being constantly tired - I sleep whenever I can, and look forward to Emily's afternoon nap, because I can have one too!

January 27th:
Woke up early this morning, as Emily was crying for attention at 7am. Wonder if it's because she knows we're going swimming today? She loves being in the pool, and being submerged doesn't bother her in the slightest. Some of the other babies cry when they come back up for air, but Emily just screams with excitement and splashes water everywhere. Matt came to watch us today, and she kept looking over at him and gurgling. She's just so cute - I can't imagine being able to love another baby as much as I love her, but I'm assured by those in the know that 'you just do'.

January 30th:
Took Emily swimming again yesterday - no Aquatots class today, but our local pool has a 'quiet time' for children, so off we went to practice what we were learning during our lessons. As usual, Emily got very excited when I was getting her into her swim nappy, and we spent 40 minutes in the pool having a whale of a time. By the time we got home, both of us were exhausted and slept for almost two hours! I felt so much better after that - I'm finding that I can't manage very well if I don't have a sleep in the daytime. I didn't sleep during the day at all when I was pregnant with Emily, so I guess it must be all of the extra activity I'm doing with Emily that is tiring me out. Roll on bedtime!

January 31st:
Too tired to do much today - I was supposed to be going to the park with Matt's mum (Mags), Josh, Beth (Matt's eldest sister) and her son Sean, who's four, but Mags didn't ring to tell me when they were going, so we missed out there. Got very angry with her for that - our car is having it's M.O.T. today, and apparently she decided that she didn't want to take Beth's car and hers out, so she didn't bother to let me know what was happening. When they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, they were right. I tried ringing her mid-morning to check that she was still going to the park, but got no answer. I was absolutely livid when I found out later that day that she'd gone without me and hadn't even bothered to phone and tell me. I'm still very angry about it now, in case you can't tell, and it feels good to get some of the anger out of my system by writing it down. Mother-in-laws!

February 3rd:
Have felt tired and useless all weekend, with no energy or enthusiasm. I just want to sleep all of the time. To top it all off, I woke up at 2am today with a migraine which won't go away, and paracetemol is doing absolutely no good so I'm just having to live with it. Poor Emily missed out on her swimming lesson today because I'm not well enough to drive, and Matt couldn't take her because of work, so we've been stuck at home all day. Dealing with a very energetic baby whilst struggling with morning sickness and a migraine is no fun whatsoever, and I've spent the best part of the day crying and wishing that I had someone who could come and help me out. I've felt very lonely and isolated today - because Sara isn't allowed to do anything, her family are all running around after her and looking after Josh, so I can't ask them for help because they're already tied up. How on earth will I manage with two children if this happens? It's days like these that I just want my mum!