I'm 17 weeks this week and I was due for my midwife appointment on Wednesday. This is the one I've been looking forward to but at the same time worried too. For the last 5 weeks we have been talking about the Downs Syndrome Testing and whether we should go for it or not. Because we didn't find out we were 6 months pregnant with Katie, we weren't able to make the choice and that was really worrying. This time we sat down and discussed it, we decided to go for it and if the result came back high risk, we would discuss whether we would go for the amnio. We decided that if the babies were Downs that we would have no alternative but to end the pregnancy.

It was an extremely hard decision to make, we both agreed that it wouldn't be fair to bring children into this life for them to struggle through. We both think life is hard enough without having disabilities such as heart problems etc for someone so young. We also have to consider Katie too, we wouldn't be able to spend as much time with her either. Its hard enough looking after healthy twins, so it would be a massive job looking after twins with downs, and the biggest thing for us is if anything happened to Paul and I who would look after our babies. I couldn't bear the thought of having them put into an institution and what about when we grow old. I know it seems extremely selfish and very shallow, but I know no-one could care and love my children as much as I do.

So for the last 5 weeks, I must admit that I have been worrying about the downs testing and trying to think really positive. I have lay awake in my bed each night talking to my little babies telling them how much I love them and how much I hope that they are healthy little tots like their big sister Katie.

So this for me was one of my big days, I was also looking forward to hearing the babies heartbeat. We had another 3 weeks for the 20 week scan, so this was the closest thing now that I would get so I knew that both my babies were there and were ok. We had also told Katie that she would be able to hear them to and she was really excited.

We all arrived at the Doctors surgery and she was already 10 minutes late. Eventually we were called in. It wasn't my midwife, apparently my midwife was on holiday, so I had a community midwife from the local hospital. We then had to wait another 20 or so minutes whilst they sorted the pc as she was unable to use this particular system. So we were now half an hour late.

The appointment was extremely rushed, the midwife took my blood pressure - which was okay. She then said "you haven't come for blood tests for the downs testing have you", to which I replied "yes". She then informed me that this would not be available to me because twins show a false reading and therefore was not carried out. I wanted to cry, I couldn't believe that my own midwife hadn't told me this, she was aware I was expecting twins and even asked me to come in for the downs testing!! We had just spent the last agonising 6 weeks discussing what we should do and worrying about this when all along we didn't need to. I was so angry I could hardly talk.

She then quickly measured my uterus (or so I think that's what she was doing) and she told me that I was measuring 21 weeks, which was good as this was what I should be measuring with expecting twins. She then told me, not asked, told me that it wasn't worth listening for the heart beats because I would be lucky to hear it. So I asked her if she would try, which she did for a maximum of 4 seconds and gave up. She didn't even help me to sit up and she just walked out of the room moaning about the staff at the doctors. It was a complete waste of our time attending the appointment and she couldn't wait to get us out of there. She asked me if I wanted to ask her anything, not likely. I decided to wait to see my consultant on the 10th July and ask him any questions that I had.

Paul and I were extremely disappointed when leaving the surgery and Katie asked me when she was going to hear the heartbeats, I just wanted to sit and cry. The only positive bit of news I got from being in there was that my size was ok, so I hope that my babies are growing well and that they are ok.

My 20 week scan can't come quick enough now and I hope my consultant is a lot more understanding than the midwife. I've even considered purchasing a doppler to hear my babies heart beats but I'm not even sure if it is worth buying, I don't know how effective they are so I'll wait and see.

Other than that, I have felt a few flutterings so I hope that this is my little ones moving about, I can't wait to see the foot or arm sticking out and for Paul and Katie to be able to see the babies moving too. I can't wait to see Katie's face when it happens, shes already asking me if they are moving and what they are doing. I just know she is going to be so good with them.

I'm feeling okay, but looking bigger now and people are starting to comment. I sometimes think you can't tell, and I've had a few people comment that I have put a bit of weight on and then I say its twins and you can see the embarrasment that they didn't even know I am pregnant, so thats been quite funny. Others see my shape and comment. It sometimes depends on what I am wearing but I really can't wait till the bump grows just a little bit more.

Katie is better too now and back to her normal self. My hayfever has been up and down this week with the weather, but I don't feel as tired so that's a bonus, I can actually feel like getting some work done around the house and catch up.

I'm feeling a lot better this week and although I'm still pretty upset about my appointment this week, I feel as though some of the weight has lifted from my shoulders. I am going to ask the consultant about the downs testing and whether they can pick up anything on the scans. I'm not worrying about it too much now as it has been taken out of our hands, so in a way what will be will be, but I would like to ask when we go to the consultant.

Love Anita x

In the Womb - view at 16 weeks

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