It can be very hard to see your grandchildren when the mother and father have
split. Below are some of your stories.
Now I am no longer part of her daily life, as her Mum has cut me out more and from about last December to now). I know she is angry and hurt and feels alone but she doesn't seem able to separate relations with me from those with my son.[She does, however, maintain telephone contact with MY mother which I think is a good sign]. I have tried to maintain our relationship and will continue to do so (but I don't always get it right, I'm afraid). This means that my granddaughter and I only see each other when my son does (and he has had to fight for this as well as for Parental Responsibility). So I do see her every weekend and for that I am thankful.
However, her Mum comes from Australia and is planning on going back there. I can't blame her for that, she isn't happy here and wants to be in her homeland. I can understand that even if I don't want it to happen. I just want us to be on at least reasonable terms before we have to see them go. If we can re-establish a reasonably co-operative relationship there will be something to build on when we are so far apart. I remain hopeful that this can be done. I know there are all sorts of ways to maintain contact, but if her Mum doesn't facilitate the contact, we run into difficulties from the outset.
Any advice from anyone else out there about maintaining contact at such a distance?
My granddaughter is a happy, smiling, wonderful little girl who has brought a great deal of delight and happiness to us all and continues to do so. While I know that grandparents and grandchildren can be blessed with wonderfully enriching relationships that will enhance the lives of all involved, my not being there will not cause my granddaughter to become an unhappy child. She loves being with grandma but, right now, I will miss her more than she will miss me.
I have been feeling quite emotional this morning, especially after reading some of the position some other grandparents are in but I actually feel more positive now than when I started. I have urged my son to get in touch with an appropriate website but haven't done it myself. Well, today I did and it was a good move.
Clare Blackman - excellent advice. Thankyou.
Paula
My only grandchild is now four years old. We haven't seen her since she was eight months old. There wasn't really any arguments or disagreements, we were simply frozen out of our Grandchild's life. It is a continuous nightmare I cannot wake up from. No matter how hard I try I cannot understand why this has happened. The only hope I cling to, is that one day my Grandchild will seek us out,that is the only thing that keeps me going. I liken the way I feel to being bereaved. Nothing can take the hurt and emptiness away. I love my Son and always will, it's just so sad that he and his partner wouldn't allow me and my Husband and our two other Sons, a relationship with their Daughter. But they can never ever stop us from loving her.
Mary
Our son and his girlfriend split up when our grandson was only 18 months old since then we have managed to keep a reasonably good relationship going with the childs mother and we have had regular fortnightly stay over visits from our grandson for the past 10 years, we have been allowed to take him on holidays abroad and in return we have ensured that our grandson has wanted for nothing.
Unfortunately due to a silly misunderstanding in November 2005 his mum has stopped us from seeing him, she will not communicate with us in any and we have recently received letters from her solicitor saying that if we carry on trying to contact her it will be dealt with as harrasment we want to speak to her as she hasn't given us the opportunity to explain our side of the story. We feel as if our lives have no purpose anymore and we cannot bear the thought of our grandson growing up thinking that we just gave up on him and didn't even try to sort the situation out.
We have taken legal advice on the matter and we are now waiting for our son to pursue his access to his child through the courts but unfortunately we all know this may take a long time and we may not be a part of the end result as we feel the childs mother may stipulate that he cannot come and see us. We appreciate that this is early days for us but we feel so helpless and frustrated.
Christine
I have not seen my 2 grandchildren for 21/2 yrs. I send presents but don't hear back.
I want desperately to hear from others in this situation and share any help/advice!!
many thanks! - Jacqu
I am 55yrs old and grandparent of six grandchildren and one great grand son. My
experience is that one of the six grandchildren I hardly see . I live in
Newcastle and the other grandson that I hardly see lives in Scotland. The
reason I don’t see him is my son and his ex partner split up several years ago
then it started to get nasty. My sons ex-partner took up with someone else then
she stopped my son from seeing his son, then myself and then the rest of the
family started to suffer.
His mother won’t let us see my grandson because my son was around. My health is suffering
because of the worry of not getting to see my grandson. My daughter is in the middle of
it, as she just lives up the road from my grandson and when she does run into my grandson
he asks can I come up to your house and she has to make a excuse because she knows
he can’t come, and it breaks my heart. I can’t do anything to help him and now it has come
to all this all because of the love my son has for his son and wanting to see him and my own love
for my grandson.
I just feel there is a big hole knowing that I have six grandchildren, but only have five
in a way because I can’t get to see him myself. My daughter and my other son still send
down his Christmas and birthday presents. I want him to know that we love him and so
does his dad. I just hope when my son gets things sorted out. I hope my story may help
other people because the pain my family and I are going through is unbearable and as a
grandparent I never thought I would see the day I would be going through this - Jane
Grandparents Access
"In many marriage break ups there is often a hidden
damaged party, the grandparents. Often when partnerships
and marriages fail, the contact with the grandchildren
becomes less and less and often if their son or daughter
is sighted as the guilty party comes to a standstill.
Is this really fair to the child or the grandparents?
Distance when children move away is always a big factor.
New lives are created and old relationships are severed.
Parents may feel that contact with the partners parents
may put their children at risk or give the ex partner
extra access.
As a parent in this situation I would like to give
the following pointers:
- The break up is between you and your partner not the grandparents;
- Grandparents get real, if the split is because of
any violence or safety issues parents are very protective
and may feel their children are at risk if the ex
partner visits you;
- Respect the custodial parents' wishes at all times.
Even if you don't believe them about your son or daughter
is it worth risking no more contact with your grandchildren
by disagreeing with arrangements or visits;
- Grandparents explain you want access to maintain
the bond you have with your grandchildren and this
is totally separate from their relationship with the
absent parent;
- Keep a good communication link between you, the
children and custodial parent. Let them know what
is happening at all times. This will build up trust.
Maintain visits, letters and phone on a regular basis;
- Never go against a parent's wishes. Children talk,
and to ask them to keep secrets from their parents
is potentially harmful for all involved.
All in all be there for the children at all times. Grandparents
are important and fill in the gaps of children's sense
of belonging and where they come from. All children
ask questions about their parent's life and what they
did when they were younger. Who better to ask than Nan
and Grandad!"
Acceptance Of New Grandchildren
"It is often very hard to treat all grandchildren the
same especially when you have not known them all their
lives. Little people with formed personalities are thrust
upon the older generation with often little or nothing
in common. Yet overnight a universal bond is supposed
to instantly form as soon as single parents get together.
Are their expectations too high?
I would suggest they are. New grandparents are often
guided by the actions of their son/daughter and their
new partner on how the children are treated. They naturally
veer towards the children they know and often feel they
don't want to tread on the new step parents toes. The
situation is complicated further if new siblings are
learning to live together too.
As a parent in this situation I would like to give
a few thoughts and tips about this:
- It is okay not to love or like the new children
instantly. It will take time. Just treat them fairly
and how you would want your grandchildren treated
in the same situation;
- Do not take reports from your birth grandchildren
too seriously. Siblings always fight whether they
are related or not;
- Most importantly try not to take sides in arguments
or appear to favour one child above another. You can
always create special one to one time with each of
them where you can spoil them as much as you like;
- Do not argue with the parents in front of the children.
It upsets and confuses the children and often separates
rather than unites the family;
- Remember it takes just as much time for children
to bond with you. Persistence, patience and love will
win in the end."
Clare Blackman
Support Links
Grandparents Apart Self Help Group (GASH)
GASH is a self help group dedicated to ease the suffering
of grandparents and grandchildren and extended families
torn apart. If you feel your problems could be resolved
by mediation a trained counsellor is available to help
you with your problems before the trauma of court cases,
that splits families and harms children emotionally.
They can help in by:
- providing a helpline for anyone in distress, plus
leaflets and literature;
- holding meetings where you can find a friendly sympathetic
welcome;
- running a drop in centre for, a cup of tea, one-to-one
talks or group meeting, writing letters to officials,
offering mediation between family members.
Tel: 0141 882 5658
www.grandparentsapart.co.uk
Grandparents Action Group, Telford, Shropshire
This is a local support group for grandparents deprived
of access to their grandchildren
Tel: 01952 582 621 or 01952 593 805
Parentline Plus
Parentline Plus offer a free leaflet 'Grandparents
in Stepfamilies' which you can view via the Publication
section of their web site below. You can also request
a copy through their telephone helpline.
Free helpline: 0808 800 2222
Free textphone helpline: 0800 783 6783 (for people
with hearing or speech impairment)
www.parentlineplus.org.uk
