Below you will find the thoughts and experiences of other parents and grandparents. If you'd like to share you own advice with the site please email contributions@forparentsbyparents.co.uk.

Wise words from two Grandparents

"Being a grandparent means being there when needed and not being there when not needed. It means keeping your mouth closed and only airing your views when asked. It means being neutral in an argument and not taking sides. Being a successful grandparent you have to be diplomatic, well grandmothers have to be as it seems grandfathers can get away with a bit more!"

"I've found the best tip for Grandparents in any situation where they want to "help", is to take a breath and try and remember what it was like for them when their Mums and Dads proffered advice!! Did they breathe a sigh of relief and hand over responsibility, or did they feel that their parents were treating them like the children they once were!

It's not easy to do as Grandparents are always treading that line between being "fantastically helpful" and "interfering", but offers of help are probably best given when they are NOT needed, to be taken up when they ARE."

The value of Grandma....

"My children are now 6 and 4 years old and my mother in law has been very involved in the raising of them from day 1. At first I found this a terrible intrusion, so my advice to grandparents is simply to let your family know you are there and keen to help, and then wait to be asked! My mum in law would come into my house whilst baby and I were asleep and clean up for me, which I took as a slur on my ability to cope.

It took a long time to realise the benefits of allowing the grandparents to help, and they are manifold. They have far more patience and experience (although they could always use a little updating - I was horrified when my mum said I should be feeding every 4 hours and to ignore my screaming baby as he was only doing it for attention!)

It's also a good idea to have a free babysitter to hand, so don't fall out over something trivial whatever you do! Since I lost my mum 3 years ago, y boys look on their grandma as a second mum and so do I. I believe my kids are kinder and calmer because of her input and would advise any new mums out there to let them help but make it clear where the boundaries are. If you don't want your child given sweets, say so!

And grandparents, remember you've had your turn at raising kids, trust that your own good parenting skills have been passed on and learn to let new parents make their own decisions."

Possible areas of conflict!

Spoiling

"I have a constant struggle trying to explain to my mother that my child will simply not appreciate what he is given because he is given SO much. Before you know it yet another cuddly toy appears to join the LARGE collection. I have seen this happen with my older nieces. They have little respect or gratitude for what they have been given as they know that if they break it or loose it will just be replaced. I realise not all grandparents are like this, but I bet a good percentage are. If mum and dad say no they just ask Granny or Grandad!"

Differences of Opinion

"Dearest beloved new Grandmother

Please accept that you do NOT always know best, and that your way is not the only way. Please accept that times are no longer the same as they were for you in the 1950/60s, and what was advised then for parents is not necessarily advised now by the medical profession et al.

Please accept that Dr. Spock is not the Bible but his thoughts are only part of a passing trend and make up fashionable thoughts from HIS times.

I will not always be right but dear Gran give me the room to be wrong as I learn to be a mother. Do you not remember how you used to grumble with us as children about YOUR mother being an interfering know it all? No doubt my new son Shaun too, will mutter under his breath about me to his own family when he is older...and I will too have to learn to gracefully take a back seat as my own child has the freedom to make parenting mistakes.

Thank you for caring about your family.

Love from your Daughter."

Your Stories and Experiences

I am finding it hard to now cope with the unnecessary daily intrusion of my father. He rings every morning and every afternoon to speak to my son. He has nothing new to say to him. I cannot get him to back off and leave us alone. I tell my mother to have words but either they are falling on very stony ears or he is doing his best to undermine me as he has always done.

The grandfather has always spoilt my son, buying him more than he's needed, giving him large amounts of money in his hand and now I have a child that thinks £5 is nothing and if I don't buy him something he can be as rude as he likes because it doesn't matter as grandad will get it for him. At the risk of losing my mother I am faced with a decision that I know will be better for me and my son long term. So I urge grandparents to heed when their sons [in-law] and daughters [in-law] ask for space unless you want to lose contact all together. And I urge parents to be wary of being too dependent on grandparents especially in the early years as it doesn't come easy to them to back off as and when.

C

I was a very young rcently widowed Grandma and tried very hard to say and do the right thing. I didn't manage to pull this off and have now lost contact with my grandchildren. Please try to remember that when your children grow up you will still feel the same about them as you do now, so Mum in Law may be genuinely trying to help and stay in touch - but unintentionally saying or doing the wrong thing - no-one teaches you how to be a Grandparent either so you may not know you are doing the wrong thing until its to late.

D

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