Situation: My child is afraid to leave my side to try new things or play with other children. How do I help him become more independent?

Think about it: It's a big world out there. Some kids jump right in, and some need to test the water with their toes before they're comfortable wading in. (And then they wade very slowly, of course!) Be patient. With some gentle guidance your child will leave your side. (I mean, honestly, have you ever seen a ten-year-old super-glued to his mother's side? Me neither.)

Don't push: Don't force your child to jump into situations he's nervous about. Allow him to watch from the sidelines for a while to absorb the goings-on and get a feel for how he'll fit into the picture. Let him know he can sit and watch for as long as he wants to before joining in. Many children relax when they know they have permission to take their time getting involved.

Small steps: Provide opportunities for your child to take small steps towards independence. For example, take your child to a familiar park and once he's involved in an activity move a short distance away, sit on a bench, and read a book. Every once in a while, touch base with him by waving or making a comment, "Wow! You're going high."

Don't make it worse: Don't overprotect your child. Saying things like, "Don't worry, I'll be right here if you need me" imply that your child really does have something to worry about. Instead, make your comments positive in nature and get the message across that what he's about to do is no big deal. For example, when he's leaving your side to attend a birthday party, let him leave on a positive note, "Have fun ! See you in a little while."

Help him understand himself: Acknowledge his feelings, and help him understand them. Then reassure him and help him deal with the feelings and learn to get by them. "I can see you're a bit nervous about joining the party. That's okay. Take your time and let's see who you know. There's David! Why don't you go over and show him your new watch?"

Take away the mystery: Talk about the event in advance. Let your child know what to expect, how long he'll be there, what he'll do, and when you'll be back to pick him up. Information like this will help your child feel more comfortable about your separation.

Give your child choices. "You've been invited to tea at Matthew's house Friday. He's really excited. He said you'd go to the park and then have homemade pizza. Do you think you'd enjoy that?" Ask your child helpful questions to see why he doesn't want to go. Perhaps there's something specific that would help him be more comfortable, maybe knowing that he can call you to pick him up if he changes his mind. Your child may not be comfortable and choose not to go. That's okay. There will be many opportunities for your child to spend time with a friend. Some more tentative children will pass on an invitation and be comfortable with their decision. Typically, given enough time, the child will outgrow this separation anxiety.

Elizabeth Pantley is a mother of four and parent educator. The above text is taken from her book "Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting Tips". Permission to include this excerpt has kindly been given by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc., copyright 1999.

For more information about the book visit:
www.pantley.com/elizabeth/content/books.htm#Perfect Parenting

Your Comments and Views

I'm having quite an ordeal with my newly adopted daughter...we've been together for 5 months, but her constant clinging and horror of being left (if even just to walk in to the kitchen) is still overwhelming to both of us. She prefers my company over my husband, and I am tethered by this beautiful child, unable to do much of anything around the house (much less have any time to myself for personal business). I am a SAHM, and can't imagine her reaction if I had wanted to or needed to go back to work - the damage it would inflict...she will not tolerate more than a few minutes in her stroller (to keep her in my sights) while I try to run off some dishes or make dinner, and the idea of her (indoor) large, friendly play yard as a confinement is unacceptable to her.

I knew that we would have issues, that adopting an orphan would bring with it many challenges...but I am starting to sink under the weight. There is simply no relief in sight. I have been her everything ON 24/7 from the very first day, and it is literally around the clock parenting.

I'm tired. I'm more than tired. I am being drained of my energy; mental, physical and emotional all.

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