You may know the scene. The room is a mess, you ask the children to tidy up and they suddenly remember that they are tired - they may even summon up some pressing homework - anything rather than help or do as you ask. You then get bossy. "Do this NOW," you bellow, but they claim that they had no hand in the mess themselves and drift off leaving you feeling furious, powerless and unable to see what you have to do to get their co-operation.

It's the kind of everyday scene from my life with five children, aged 4 to 13, that I related to the two parents experts, Noel Janis-Norton and Luke Scott, whose advice I have recorded in my book, 'How to be a Better Parent'. "What do I do?" I would wail at them. Getting children to help with chores - or, indeed, anything - is easy, they told me, if you plan your campaign.

1) Start early. Very young children don't mind helping if you are doing it with them. But if you've missed that boat - I did - then you have to call a meeting of the children and tell them what's expected, with a bit of warning, so not "Now you will" but "From next week we are going to have a new rule about".

2) Listen to their grumbles. You can let them have their say about how doing the tidying/the homework/whatever will eat into their football/television time but you don't have to give in. Often children just want to moan. Quite likely they will say that they didn't make the mess so why should they clear it up. Don't answer. Ask them for their ideas. Make it plain that whoever made the mess, from now on there is going to be a clearing up time and that everyone is expected to take part.

3) Show them what's required. Often children don't do as they are asked because they don't understand what's required. If all you've ever said is, "I can't stand this mess," they might genuinely think that putting crisp packets in the bin is all that you mean by clearing up. Then, when they do that and get into trouble for not doing enough they feel understandably aggrieved. You have to show that books go on the shelves, the floor is swept etc.

4) Praise those children who are doing their bit - not by saying "fantastic" but more specifically, "I really like the way you've folded that jumper and taken it upstairs." Don't comment on the child who is twiddling her hair, don't criticise, assume that everyone is going to help. Praise even those who are standing and watching, at least they haven't walked off. Often doing something like tidying up gets a bad reputation with children because parents are in a bad mood while it's happening.

5) Make sure that there's a reward for being helpful. Those who took part may get a doughnut as well as some praise. And, then of course there has to be a consequence - nothing too harsh, something small and immediate. That child, perhaps, hasn't earned the right to watch television afterwards. Unless you attach rewards and consequences when you want a child to do something then the so-called 'rule' about tidying up, turning off the television or doing homework is nothing more than a wish or, if repeated, a nag.

6) Extend the chore. Keep it simple at first - tidying might consist of nothing more than getting the clothes off the floor - so that it is easy for the child to do right and get the reward of praise. You don't want to put them off by moving from a tip to hotel standards overnight. Once they've got into the habit of doing some tidying, stretch them by adding an extra task to the list. And then another but not too soon or you might create panic and revolt.

Cassandra Jardine is a successful Daily Telegraph features journalist and author of the popular 'Parental Guidance' series. She has been writing about parenting for over ten years and had five children. aged 4 to 13.

HOW TO BE A BETTER PARENT

Cassandra's new book 'How to be a Better Parent' is excellent. The book draws on the experience and skills of Britain's two top parenting teachers, Noel Janis-Norton and Luke Scott, to provide practical tools that parents can easily use that result in happier children and calmer, more enjoyable home lives.

On reading her introduction I could really relate to her original feelings that "being a good parent would come naturally" and her optimistic conviction that "children from relatively happy circumstances usually turn out fine on the end." Our family home is by no means ideal but I felt that overall we were doing OK!

It was therefore quite disheartening at first to read that she'd come to the conclusion (seeing the teenage offspring of close friends of the same background) that this wasn't how it worked. Her positive message though very quickly comes through that you can do something to help yourself become a better parent.

It immediately got me thinking about the things I most struggled with with our 6 year old son, including mealtimes, specifically eating with a knife and fork and getting dressed and tidying his clothes. Right, let's have a go I thought and leapt straight in to trying out the approaches that the book recommends, including using descriptive praise, training rather than nagging, leading by example and rewards and consequences.

Four weeks on the difference is amazing. Mealtimes have become much more positive and enjoyable experiences for us all. Adam's using his knife and fork without being asked, as though it's just the normal thing to do! He's much happier about getting himself dressed and it's now not uncommon for him to ask 'Can I help you with that Mummy?' Overall we've also both been much happier, had far fewer fallings out and Adam just seems to be thriving, both at home and school. He seems very pleased with his lot at the moment!!

I could go into the details of why I think it's worked but you're probably better getting a copy of the book and trying it out for yourself. If you can't afford to buy one, ask your local library to get a copy, I feel that it will definitely be worth it.

Janet

www.amazon.co.uk

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