The greatest revelation for me - when researching my book 'How to Be a better Parent' - was that praise is a parent's key tool. I had always thought I was quite positive, but my parenting advisors Luke and Noël told me that I hadn't been giving enough praise nor the right sort of praise. They taught me a new type of praise that they call 'descriptive praise'. No situation is so awful, I learnt, that you can't find something to praise and, by doing so change the mood.

Cassandra

The following is an extract from Cassandra's book 'How to be a Better Parent' that gives more of an insight into the power of descriptive praise. Since reading the book I've started to use the technique myself and found it a relevation. By looking for the good to praise all the time rather than commenting on the bad I've found that it not only really helps your interactions with your children but also people in general and gives you a much more positive outlook on life.

Janet

Everyone needs praise. It's a great motivator. We all know that. I say 'Well done,' 'Clever you' and 'That's brilliant' to my children constantly. Noël and Luke are not impressed. 'You were probably given that kind of praise when you were a child: did it make you feel wonderful?' asks Noël. 'If anything, it probably made you feel less confident. The problem with that kind of "super, marvellous" praise is that we can always think of someone who is cleverer or more brilliant, so we don't believe it. In fact, it can even make us feel worse.

Luke has often observed the harmful effects of this 'evaluative' praise. 'In households where there are expectations of high achievement, children almost always read into that kind of praise the idea that they could have done better.'

The answer, they say, is not to let the praise dry up - evaluative praise is better than no praise at all - but to try a better form of appreciation, which is know as 'descriptive praise'. This kind of praise carries no negative connotations, is not exaggerated and is the key to motivating children to co-operate. It is delivered in a casual voice, not an excited exclamation and, like a cuddle, it lowers the emotional turmoil and changes the mood.

'It's about noticing and describing all the good things a child has done right', Noël explains, 'and about noticing effort rather than just results. Even in a difficult situation, there is always something that a child is not doing wrong that you can praise.'

Examples of descriptive praise:
'Ah, you've got one sock on.'
'You didn't spill your orange juice.'
'Two brothers sitting next to each other and nobody screaming.'
'You're doing your homework.'
'You are on your bed even though a know that you don't want to go to sleep.'

The rationale behind this kind of praise is that what you notice you get more of - not just from the child in question, but from siblings who also want the praise. It changes the mood because it makes a parent more aware of the child's efforts to do what's required (attempts often masked by irritating behaviour), and thus makes the parent more positive and optimistic.

Luke finds that the easiest way to get in this new habit is to make an effort to praise descriptively in a situation that gives you constant headaches, such as getting the children to bed. 'You've found your pyjamas. Now what do you want to do next? Yes, brush your teeth. That's right. I really like the way that you haven't tried to go downstairs even though I know you want to, etc.'

Noël prefers to give parents the exercise of starting the praise from the very beginning of the day and asks them to keep it up all day long. That doesn't mean the odd remark but a constant flow. 'Before the children leave the house in the morning,' she says, 'you should have descriptively praised each one of them at least ten times. Why? Because each child will have done many not-wrong things already that morning and they deserve to be acknowledged. If we praise on the rare wonderful moments, we miss many chances to appreciate the myriad of OK moments.'

But there are caveats. Never use descriptive praise when you are angry as it sounds like sarcasm. Never praise a child for a habit he acquired long ago: it sounds patronising. Also, expect that, sometimes the praise will remind the child of the misbehaviour he could be getting up to. Praising a child for not whining on a long walk, for example, can start the child moaning. 'Ride it out,' says Noël, 'It's temporary and will soon disappear.'

Some people are coy about using descriptive praise, feeling it to be false, but Noël and Luke's response to that is: 'Like medicine, you don't have to like the taste for it to work.' When you see how effective it can be, they imagine that you will expand the use of its magic powers into other - an eventually all - aspects of life.

Another common fear is that it creates praise junkies, reliant on constant fixes of admiration. 'It is the child who doesn't feel good about himself that craves praise,' says Noël. Children who receive a lot of descriptive praise start to internalise these new statements. Their confidence, maturity, self-reliance and co-operation all increase significantly.

Cassandra Jardine is a successful Daily Telegraph features journalist and author of the popular 'Parental Guidance' series. She has been writing about parenting for over ten years and had five children. aged 4 to 13.

HOW TO BE A BETTER PARENT

Cassandra's new book 'How to be a Better Parent' is excellent. The book draws on the experience and skills of Britain's two top parenting teachers, Noël Janis-Norton and Luke Scott, to provide practical tools that parents can easily use that result in happier children and calmer, more enjoyable home lives.

On reading her introduction I could really relate to her original feelings that "being a good parent would come naturally" and her optimistic conviction that "children from relatively happy circumstances usually turn out fine on the end." Our family home is by no means ideal but I felt that overall we were doing OK!

It was therefore quite disheartening at first to read that she'd come to the conclusion (seeing the teenage offspring of close friends of the same background) that this wasn't how it worked. Her positive message though very quickly comes through that you can do something to help yourself become a better parent.

It immediately got me thinking about the things I most struggled with with our 6 year old son, including mealtimes, specifically eating with a knife and fork and getting dressed and tidying his clothes. Right, let's have a go I thought and leapt straight in to trying out the approaches that the book recommends, including using descriptive praise, training rather than nagging, leading by example and rewards and consequences.

Four weeks on the difference is amazing. Mealtimes have become much more positive and enjoyable experiences for us all. Adam's using his knife and fork without being asked, as though it's just the normal thing to do! He's much happier about getting himself dressed and it's now not uncommon for him to ask 'Can I help you with that Mummy?' Overall we've also both been much happier, had far fewer fallings out and Adam just seems to be thriving, both at home and school. He seems very pleased with his lot at the moment!!

I could go into the details of why I think it's worked but you're probably better getting a copy of the book and trying it out for yourself. If you can't afford to buy one, ask your local library to get a copy, I feel that it will definitely be worth it.

Janet

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