Donna Anderson writes...

Unemployed mums get the usual patronizing, "Oh? So you don't work? Then what DO you do all day?" inquiry, mostly from work-outside-the-home mum who have no clue just how busy a full time mum really is, nor are they aware that stay home mums DO work - and work hard. I feel that the stereotype of unemployed mums is the myth that they have allowed their college degrees to expire into nothingness, and couldn't care less if their brains fry from too much boredom or watching too many soap operas. The judgment is that any woman who chooses to stay home and "just" be a wife and mother must be a lazy, good-for-nothing, couldn't-get-hired-at-McDonald's-if-she-tried underachiever. Either that or she's an overeater who can't pry herself away from the refrigerator, or a wife who doesn't give a flying fig about helping her hard-working husband bring home a dual-wage!

Work-outside-the-home mums get judged by default as the stay-home mums tsk-tsk their choice to earn some money to pay the bills. Stay-home mums assume that the working mums' kids will end up juvenile delinquents because Mum isn't home to guide her little demons 24 hours a day. Work-outside-the-home mums get the inane question, "Why did you have kids at all if you're going to leave them with babysitters all day?" God forbid if a work-outside-the-home mum's child gets into any sort of mischief, because the end judgement will be "Well, it figures. After all, Jame's mum is a corporate executive who's never home anyway, so how could she give him the attention he needs?". The stereotype here is that work-outside-the-home mums must be career-driven overachievers who need to work to feed their insatiable egos. That, or they must be more interested in climbing the corporate ladder than taking care of their first priority, their children!

But everyone loves a work-at-home mum. I mean, what bad things can be said about a gal who's got it all figured out - a way to bring home some needed cash while still being available to do the school run, help with homework, and bake cakes for the PTA. Still, this is a position that gets no respect. Even though she is not officially "at" an office, people still assume a work-at-home mum is available for afternoon teas and babysitting ("Can you watch my child since you're home anyway?") The doorbell and phone still ring from people who insist on borrowing her work time with idle chit-chat. The stereotype here is that work-at-home mums must not have the guts nor the education to make it in "the real working world", or that the work she is doing at home must be unimportant and self-serving since it is not corporately structured. The assumptions made about this kind of mum usually fall within the "should" category. "Well, she should spend more time with her family instead of pounding the keyboard or hosting Virgin Vie parties", or "She should go outside the home and get a REAL job if she's that desperate for money".

As mentioned, all three "camps" have their assumptions, and stereotypes, but the amazing thing is the irony that WE are the ones - us mums and us sister women - who are casting the stones at each other. Why must we put each other down just to feel justified in our own life choices? And why do the negative comments bug us so much? Are we THAT insecure about our own decisions, whatever they may be?

In a perfect world, all mums would pull together to help each other out. Working mums would give the stay-home mums a break and start appreciating them for being the homefire-burners and enablers who provide childcare for the working mums' kids so she can go out and bring home some money. Stay-home mums would stop being holier-than-thou and offer the work-outside-the-home mum a hand in a friendly partnership that enables both of them to reap the rewards of what they do. And everyone would stop pestering the work-at-home mum so she can get her work done!

Recently, I was asked to write some witty come-backs for all three camps, so each could defend themselves against the other's barbs. Sorry, but I personally don't think that "the best offense is a good defense" in this situation, especially when defending one's parenting choices usually ends up with someone's feelings and/or pride being hurt beyond repair.

This is NOT a utopian world we live in, so the rude comments and stereotypes will still remain. But if we, as a gender of genteel and understanding women, make a heroic attempt at a truce with our sister women by way of compassionate understanding, then I think the world would be a better, if not perfect, place to live in.

It is time that we, as women, stop being each other's worst enemies and start being each other's best friends, and start appreciating each other's unique contributions to society and to our families.

Julie Donner Andersen is a freelance writer and married, work-at-home mum of three. She very much enjoys writing humorous and serious pieces about parenting.

www.authorsden.com/visit/author.asp?AuthorID=6783

Copyright 2002 Julie Donner Andersen. All rights reserved.

Local Information