Tantrums in the two to three-year-old are fairly common. It is their way of protesting and signaling to us they really want to get their own way.

At this age children are just coming into their own and do not like to be thwarted. They are driven by inquisitiveness and strutting new skills. They have mastered walking and are ever increasing their motor skills. They are ready for exploration, but haven't yet internalized rules, so they think everything is fair game. And while we may think these young children can totally understand us, in truth, this is still a year and more away. So it is not enough that we tell them what to do, we must also show them and physically direct their play and areas for exploration.

When young children get involved in things they shouldn't, it is important to simply re-direct them to approved activities and areas of play. You may find yourself doing this dozens upon dozens of times per day! Once will never be enough at this age and this is why parenting two-year-old can be such a demanding time.

While redirection is the key for managing behaviour at age two, if tantrums persist at age three, ignoring such behaviour is the next strategy parents should try. Ignoring tantrums teaches the child that this behaviour doesn't work and so they often stop. Ignoring really means withholding attention for misbehaviour, but, and very importantly, it is also a must that parents do provide attention for appropriate behaviour. This is usually in the form of verbal feedback, praise, hugs and kisses.

If ignoring the tantrums isn't working at age three, you can start to use "time-out" as a consequence. Time-out means time away from anything reinforcing or otherwise pleasurable - like sitting on the stairs or in the corner, or quietly on a chair. While the general rule is one minute of time-out per age of child, time-outs that are much briefer and a matter of seconds, say 5 to 15 seconds are often MORE effective than longer time-outs. In the life of a three-year-old, 5 to 15 seconds is a long time, but it is not so long that they forget why they were sent to time-out in the first place. The key to effectively using this strategy is to apply a brief time-out each time the behaviour occurs. It is better a brief time-out follows at each instance of a tantrum, than only long time-out.

If tantrums persist even with the use of time-out, ask yourself if there are other stresses in the home. Issues of illness, marital discord, alcohol or drug abuse in caregivers all can affect parenting and child behaviour. You may also want to check your child's hearing. Many children at this age have had a number of recurring ear infections (otitis media). With each re-occurrence of an ear infection, fluid remains in the ear and diminishes hearing capacity. They will grow out of it, but in the meantime, your child may actually be hard of hearing and as a result, language delayed. Therefore even though a little older, they may not hear you or understand your verbal commands. This is something you should check out with your Doctor.

If all the above fails, fear not, but do ask for help. Call your Health Visitor, a local parenting centre if there's one nearby or even your family doctor. Odds are something is going on that probably because you are so close to the problem, you do not see. If ever you feel like smacking your child, then give yourself a break to stop yourself. Have a cup of herbal tea, warm milk, a hot bath, or go for a walk. Do anything that works to give you a little distance and a chance to collect your thoughts. Just be sure your child is appropriately supervised while you grab a moment alone. Sometimes this "parental pause" is just the ticket to regain composure and reenter more effectively.

Tantrums? Follow these steps:

• Redirection;
• Ignore;
• Time-out;
• Check for other stresses;
• Check hearing;
• Ask for help;
• Take a break.

Lastly, you can't offer too much praise, love and affection to a child. Give generously throughout the day!

Gary

You can read more of Gary's articles at www.yoursocialworker.com

Your comments and views

I am trying to deal with my 3 year olds tantrums, I know why she is having the tantrums, she cannot have what she wants, it maybe that she wants a banana and there isn't any in the house, I have tried to explain and get screaming fits lasting upto 10 minutes sometimes half an hour, time out does not work as she won't stay still she then throws things and screams even louder. Because this goes on for so long I can't really ignore her for long enough, she has just had a hearingtest and all is fine, the health visitor says she will more than likely grow out of it, I am sure this is not the case. I am needing to deal with this as she needs to be potty trained, I have a star chart but when she is in a mood it doesn't work. Can anyone please help?

Chantal

My advice isn't about tantrums per se but about how I got cooperation over the major areas that caused them in the first place - which were naps, potty-training and bedtime (going to bed and staying there all night).

I did create a star chart with a list of all activities (and a few easy ones) that I wanted cooperation with. Now, the stars are not very exciting - however, if my son gets a whole day of stars, meaning he accomplished all of his "chores" then the next morning as soon as he woke up he would have a "surprise" which was usually a matchbox car, box of crayons, etc. I did not have to continue this toy habit forever though. It takes 21 days to create a habit. I gave out toy prizes daily for the first week, every other day for the next and then randomly for the third and then stopped the chart and the reward system completely. However, the habits were still set and for the most part remain intact today (9 months later).

Kristin

My son is 20 months old and he has these tantrums that are just out of control. He gets mad if he doesn't get his way and he will throw anything, he pulls my hair, tries to bite me, and screams at the top of his lungs...the one he had today lasted an hour! If I try to comfort him or redirect him it just makes it worse. I just end up putting him in a time out in his crib until he quiets down because I don't know what to do. He is my 3rd child and I have never had to deal with tantrums to this extent before. I don't know what to do about it, I feel like such a terrible mum becuase I cannot handle him. I am afraid he will get worse as he gets older. Any suggestions?

Jessica